It Started With A Car ... (in progress)
by Jana Kay
Summary: Chapter 4 now up. Xander and Anya find themselves stuck in a small situation.
1. ISWAC ... 1 - Driving Etiquette

TITLE: Driving Etiquette (Part 1)  
SERIES: It Started With A Car....  
AUTHOR: Jana Kay  
EMAIL: jana_kay17@yahoo.com.au  
DISCLAIMER: All characters named here belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the WB and 20th Century Fox. No profit being made, I'm just playing.  
RATING: R and in future parts *MAY* contain **M/M and F/F SLASH** references. I'm not sure yet, but best to be warned.   
PAIRING: X/Anya and S/D   
SPOILERS: This takes place a week after 'Where the Wild Things Are,' and breaks from canon from that.   
SUMMARY: Xander and Anya find themselves stuck in a small situation.  
  
*****  
  
With every second that ticked by on his Scooby watch, with every minute that passed by and stretched the day a little longer and made the heat in the enclosed space stifle him even more, Xander mentally kicked himself and physically knocked his head against the sides of the space more and more.   
  
I mean honestly, just what in the Hell had he been thinking?  
  
"You know An, maybe you should learn to drive? You wouldn't believe how much it helps you to get around."  
  
Stupid moron that he was, he'd actually thought that with her whole, 'woman make home and man make money to buy pretty things for woman' kick, she'd say no.  
  
Instead, she'd jumped at the chance.  
  
"Can we use your strange uncle with the feathered hair's car?"  
  
Cringe.  
  
"Yeah An, we can use my....*Uncle Rory's* car." Complete with his own cute patented hand gestures. And would you believe it? They passed *right* over Anya's head. Well, thank you so very much.  
  
Now asking her had been a mistake in and of itself. Taking her in his car.... HIS.... damn it HIS car was Xander Harris' dumb mistake numero deux.   
  
Well look at that, some of the French he'd learned in high school *had* actually seeped into his brain. Pity it was only a number that kids at the *age* of deux could easily learn faster than him. Because hey, if Alexander LaVelle Harris could really learn fast, he never, *never* would have let things even begin to head in this direction, let alone have them sitting smack bang in the middle of the fucking damn thing.   
  
He shifted a little, trying to get comfortable, and bumped himself up against Anya.  
  
"Xander, stop it! You're taking up all the room!"  
  
And so he ground his teeth together as he tried unsuccessfully to move over to the other millimetre of space in the small car trunk, praying that there would actually be enough air back there to last him, until the fucker in the front with the radio blaring decided to finally pull over so they could yell for help.  
  
Would you believe it? They'd gotten carjacked, with them in the car, because Anya had picked up a hitch-hiker while he was busy. Getting a soda. Which the fucker in the front had happily divested him of, with a wink and a "Cheers!" before his head had been knocked up against the side of the car and he woke up in this enclosed coffin like space, with Anya's equally unconscious body next to him.  
  
How could things possibly get worse you ask?  
  
Anya came to.   
  
Not that he wanted to diss Anya, because she was his girlfriend, and he loved her as much as he knew how, but come on. Everybody has their limits.   
  
In this pseudo coffin with darkness so infinite you couldn't even see your own hand when it was in front of your face, Anya had so far managed to calmly bulldoze through his limits and set herself up a quaint little bed and breakfast home a good couple of miles past his temper switch. The only thing currently stopping him from grabbing her by her neck and throttling her, was the fact that he'd moved away from her a few seconds ago, and now couldn't find her.   
  
Okay, so he was really close and could probably easily find her neck if he wanted to, but cut him some slack. It was really dark in here, and that just skewed his perception so completely that he knew if he reached over, he'd accidentally grab a breast or something instead of her neck, and then he'd have to endure her screeching about him wanting to cop a feel while they were being kidnapped.   
  
Like he *really* didn't have more important things to think about....   
  
Okay, he won't answer that....and he'll stay right away from Anya.   
  
"Xander, can't you get him to lower the music?"  
  
He rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue in her face's general direction, glad she couldn't see him. "Sure An, just let me knock here on the roof and ask the polite kidnapper to lower the music so you don't go deaf."  
  
A distinctly unladylike snort came from Anya, and then her dry voice replied, "You know, you don't have to be so rude and sarcastic. I mean, this is all your fault. You should really take responsibility for your own actions instead of throwing them onto somebody else's unsuspecting shoulders."  
  
Xander's eyes bulged out of his head in the darkness, and he felt himself choking on his own saliva that had dribbled down the wrong pipe from shock. "Gaaahhh..... ahhhhhh..... aaaaaaeeexcuse me? It's *my* fault? Who picked up the damn hitch-hiker here Anya? Not me!"  
  
He heard her huff from less than a foot away, her warm breath tickling his cheek and neck.   
  
"Well, if you'd been in the car, then none of this would have happened. But you men always think with your stomach's. You just *had* to go to a convenience store didn't you. I mean honestly, between continually stalling your car and then almost running it into a metal pylon, what could have possibly given you the idea that I know the etiquette of driving?" He could feel her roll her eyes and glare in his direction, even though he couldn't see it.   
  
It was coming....it was coming....give it time....   
  
"Men never change."  
  
He shoots, he scores! The crowd goes wild! And now is so not the time to start thinking of his sports fantasies.  
  
He shifts again in the trunk, his body starting to go numb from being cramped in such a small space, and his eyes are still slightly runny and irritated from the smoke that had been blown in them.  
  
Lousy fucker in the front seat just had to be a smoker didn't he? No doubt he was having a blast up front in *Xander's car,* singing along to the loud music, raising Hell on his poor, tortured speedometer, tossing the ash from his stick thin cigarettes all over his squeaky clean seats and carpet....oh yeah, Xander really *didn't* like smokers.   
  
Especially one smoker in particular, who was probably planning his and Anya's demise right this very second.   
  
Damn! How stupid could they all be?  
  
They'd all just gotten so used to the bleached idiot being around.  
  
Why hadn't anybody told them that Spike had gotten the chip out?   
  
  
End.  



	2. ISWAC ... 2 - What Did Your Mother Alway...

TITLE: What Did Your Mother Always Tell You? (Part 2)  
SERIES: It Started With A Car....  
AUTHOR: Jana Kay  
EMAIL: jana_kay17@yahoo.com.au  
DISCLAIMER: All characters named here belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the WB and 20th Century Fox. No profit being made, I'm just playing.  
RATING: R and in future parts, *MAY* contain **M/M and F/F SLASH** references. I'm not sure yet, but best to be warned.  
PAIRING: X/Anya, S/D   
SPOILERS: This takes place a week after 'Where the Wild Things Are,' and breaks from canon from that.   
SUMMARY: Xander falls foul of the most important car trip rule.  
  
*****  
  
God help him, but if anything rolled around and knocked him upside the head one more time, he was going to throw down and have a screaming hissy fit in the trunk of his car....which was currently being driven by one bleached freak....excuse me....very *dangerous* -- he's really got to get used to that again -- vampire.  
  
And to top it all off.... Anya! Would you quit snoring?!"  
  
There was a muffled noise in his ear, and then a sleepy, "Whaaa ... ?"  
  
Pure anger and frustration shot through his body. Was there no justice? While he, Xander Harris, had been jumping out of his skin with a) worry that was more like terror and b) hysterical laughter at the way Spike had fashioned his hair this time, his beloved girlfriend whose sanity he was seriously questioning, had curled up on her side and promptly fallen asleep. And that was after having yelled at him for getting them carjacked in the first place, when she was the one who'd picked up the leather covered vamp!  
  
On top of that....she snored. Only lightly mind you, but enough was enough. And she'd already been the cheese grater to his last nerve over an hour ago. Any moist snuffling noises near his ear were as of now, off limits.  
  
He wracked his brain as he tried to think of a way out of this. Maybe when the *dangerous vampire* stopped the car, they'd be able to call for help. And then maybe they could escape. Finally.  
  
Because forget getting away with their lives intact, Xander was going to give a nice big tongue filled kiss to the first porcelain god they came across. He never realised his body could store so much pee! And pretty soon, it was all going to come flooding out.   
  
Why hadn't he gone before they left his basement? And why had he drunk a whole two litres of Dr Pepper before they left? And why, freaking *why* had he asked Anya to go driving?   
  
He curled his hands into fists as he struggled to calm down and moderate his breathing. In....out....in....out....water....falling....no no no....in....out....in....out.... water....gushing....nononononono.....   
  
Screw waiting. "IIIIIIIIIII NNNNEEEEEEDDDDD TTTOOOO PPPEEEEEEEEE!!!!"  
  
And miraculously, the jarring music cut off and the car shrieked to a halt. And no, no, no, Xander was not thinking of his poor brakes as he found Anya suddenly on top of him....and she was laughing!  
  
"What?" Frustration, thy name is Xander.  
  
"Didn't I tell you to go before we left?" A snort and then she moved off. "Men. So typical."  
  
Masculinity, intelligence, penis....it was all on the line, but before he could shoot off his witty retort, the car trunk popped opened and they were blinded by street lights while looking up into Spike's face.  
  
A cigarette dangled loosely in between pouty pink lips, and harsh fluorescent lights glanced off his sharp features. One hand came up and removed the cigarette, releasing a cloud of obnoxious smoke into the confined space.  
  
Xander found himself coughing and wishing he was allergic, because then he wouldn't have to put up with this anymore. He could just die quickly. Possibly painfully....but quickly was still the key.   
  
They all stared at each other for a few moments, then, "Harris. Heard you needed to pee."  
  
And pray tell, just what was he supposed to say to that?   
  
'Can I have a diaper?'  
  
'You wanna hold my hand?'  
  
"Let us go you bleached freak!"  
  
He opted for the last one, though the first had almost slipped out....  
  
....okay, the second had almost slipped out too.  
  
A harsh laugh came from the blonde vampire. "Look, I'm being a bit nice here. Now do you want to wet yourself or not?"  
  
Hmm, let him think.... "Of course I don't you idiot!"  
  
And damn, he'd forgotten Spike could move that fast....and double damn....how had the fucking jack rolled itself under his head? Now he was sore in two places, could feel a bruise coming on his cheek, and still really needed to pee!  
  
A bored look crossed Spike's features. "Let's start over, shall we? You going or not? Because I really don't want you taking a leak in my soddin' car."  
  
EXCUSE ME???  
  
"*Your* car?? This is *my* car!!"  
  
A breath of air escaped Spike's lips as he furrowed his brow, tilted his head and thought it over. Finally, he slapped the side of the car decisively as he twitched his eye and turned back around. "It was. It's not anymore. Now it's mine. And Harris? If you're going to go, you'd better bloody go now because I'm losing my patience."  
  
Okay. He won't argue with the *dangerous* //Get it through your head Xander! He's not the same Spike as the one you roomed with for awhile// vampire. But that's only for now. Because even a tree trunk is looking great if he could only just....  
  
"An? You wanna move so I can get out?"  
  
"Why should I?"  
  
Gritting his teeth and the pain feels *good.* "Because otherwise I'll pee on you!"  
  
A humph and then her wriggling just the tiniest bit out of his way. "Okay, okay. Just hold it in or something."  
  
And Spike was *laughing*! He was *so* going down.  
  
"Good one, love."  
  
And Anya was smiling at Spike! Had he gone crazy in the five seconds it took him to climb over her and swing a leg over the side? Oh forget it. Pee now. Think about this later.   
  
He almost managed to get his other leg out of the trunk with dignity, but before he was fully balanced, a graceful sweep of a leg knocked him off his feet and he groaned as he hit the gravel. So not good for the bladder.  
  
He blinked his eyes as the blurry picture came back into focus. "What was that for?"  
  
A smirk and then ash drifted down towards him....on *purpose*.... "Because I can." Thought for a few seconds. "And because you called me an idiot."  
  
And then something was happening inside Xander, and he was up and running into the nearest bushes he could find, Spike's laughter trailing behind him.   
  
  
The End.  



	3. ISWAC ... 3 - Return of the Idiot

TITLE: Return of the Idiot (Part 3)  
SERIES: It Started With A Car....  
AUTHOR: Jana Kay  
EMAIL: jana_kay17@yahoo.com.au  
DISCLAIMER: All characters named here belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the WB and 20th Century Fox. No profit being made, I'm just playing.  
RATING: R and in future parts, *MAY* contain **M/M and F/F SLASH** references. I'm not sure yet, but best to be warned.  
PAIRING: X/Anya, S/D   
SPOILERS: This takes place a week after 'Where the Wild Things Are,' and breaks from canon from that.   
SUMMARY: To go or not to go, that is the question. And Xander decides to ... well read and see.   
NOTES: These //...// indicate thoughts or inner dialogue.  
  
*****  
  
It's a hard choice for Xander between returning to the car after he's emptied his bladder, or turning around and running as fast as he can in the opposite direction.   
  
I mean sure, it wasn't as though Spike was actively trying to kill him at the moment, and Anya was still back there after all, but still, the part of his brain that was centered wholly around himself and his safety was pretty much set on packing up and leaving before the shit truly hit the fan. And thus it was kind of getting in the way of his 'protect your girlfriend' mindset.  
  
After much debate, Xander kicked himself as best he could while balancing on one leg, then turned and slowly walked back towards the car.  
  
Taking a deep breath to try and ease his frazzled nerves, he pushed past the last bit of foliage, and made his way out onto the side of the busy highway.  
  
Whatever it was he was expecting to find when he got back, it certainly hadn't been this.  
  
Spike was sitting side by side with Anya on the hood of his car, and they were both   
laughing!  
  
Catching sight of him, Spike coughed dramatically then hopped off the car.   
  
"Ready to go, pet?"  
  
A silent fury filled him at the casualness of the bleached //dangerousdangerous// moron in front of him, and Xander found that all he could do was grit his teeth, glare daggers at Anya for making nice with their kidnapper, and quietly say, "....Yes."  
  
Spike grinned widely, his eyes glinting dangerously with evil glee, then staring at Xander enough to make his skin decide to suddenly up and crawl right off of his body, he nodded slowly and said, "Good."  
  
Turning to Anya, he held out his hand to her, holding it in a style that Xander had only ever seen in old movies, or new movies about old times, and it made Xander's cheeks flush with hate as he realised just exactly what it was Spike was doing.  
  
And true to form, Anya took the evil, disgusting, ew, gross hand, and used it to help her jump off the hood of the car.  
  
Oh that was it. It was bad enough to find them talking, but Xander had had enough. The undead idiot had no right to flirt with his girlfriend....especially after he stole Xander's car!  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing, Spike?"  
  
And no matter how much malice he put into his voice, all the response he got was a casual turning of a peroxide head and a lazy grin. Not to mention a fluttering of long, sooty lashes and a breathy voice.   
  
"What on Earth do you mean, Xander?"  
  
And screw his skin crawling off. Now it was actively running, and goosebumps were rippling up and down his arms in its wake.   
  
//Control grasshopper....don't let your enemy see you squirm//  
  
Okay, when had *that* voice taken up residence in his head?  
  
//Go away. You're distracting me//  
  
//Yes grasshopper//  
  
//STOP IT!//  
  
Straightening his shoulders and hardening his muscles, he stared angrily at Spike and replied, "I mean, Deadboy Junior, what the hell do you think you're doing flirting with my girlfriend?"  
  
A hand resting innocently against Spike's chest while the other hand pulled a cigarette out of seemingly nowhere. "Who, me? Now tell me whelp, why would I do that?"  
  
Clenching his fists in anger and irritation, and Xander snarls, "Because you're evil, and you're unchipped, and you've got a thing for taking people's girlfriends because Angelus took yours!"  
  
Sometimes, Xander just doesn't know when to shut up.  
  
"And let's not mention the whole crazy ho thing that was going on there. That girl was obviously just looking for somebody better than you. And look who she went to. What does that say about you, huh?"   
  
And when he sees the glimmer of death in Spike's eyes, he just knows he's said the wrong thing....a couple of times.   
  
The cigarette is casually lit while Xander gulps and Anya glances nervously back and forth between the two, and in dramatic style complete with cars whooshing past on the busy highway, the tension proceeds to mount.  
  
Finally, after Xander can feel the sweat start to slowly drip down his spine, Spike looks up, smoke blowing slowly out of his mouth, cigarette now dangling between two black nailed fingers, and he sets a contemplative gaze on Xander's face.  
  
"Now why did you have to go and say that, pet? I was gonna let you ride in the backseat and everything thanks to your girly girl here," at which point he jabbed a thumb in Anya's direction, who immediately shot a pleased little smile to Xander at what she'd managed to achieve for him.  
  
"But," Spike continued, "now you've pissed me off." He shook his head in mock sympathy, then turned to Anya.   
  
"You can hop in the front, love," then turning back to Xander, "and you, you big idiot --"  
  
Xander gulped as he slowly backed away....   
  
....which was just utterly useless, because Spike was next to him in less than a second and had slung an arm around his stiff shoulders, continuing on as though he'd never been interrupted.   
  
"As I was saying, and you, you big idiot, are going back in the boot."  
  
Xander turned suddenly and looked at Spike with owl eyes. "Excuse me?! I'm going where?!"  
  
A quick roll of his eyes and a flick of the keys, and the hood of the car had popped open. "Bloody Americans," Spike muttered under his breath. And to Xander, "The *trunk* you bloody elephant. Now get yourself in there."  
  
And Xander wanted to save himself he really did, but before he knew it, he was in the trunk again thanks to some clever maneuvering from Spike, and the last thing he saw before the vampire slammed the hood down was Anya waving at him with an, 'I tried, it's not my fault you mucked it up' face on.  
  
Which promptly made Xander grind his teeth and whisper sullenly into the dark, "Well you could have tried harder...."  
  
Then the car doors slammed in the front and he was rocked by the sudden thumping of the bass as Spike started the car, not to mention the rolling sharply as Spike stepped on the accelerator and the car leapt forward like a freaking leapfrog.  
  
But at least there was one bright spot in his life at the moment.   
  
He finally had some damn room back here!  
  
  
End. 


	4. ISWAC ... 4 - Back Seat Eavesdropping

TITLE: Back Seat Eavesdropping (Part 4)  
SERIES: It Started With A Car....  
AUTHOR: Jana Kay  
EMAIL: jana_kay17@yahoo.com.au  
DISCLAIMER: All characters named here belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, the WB and 20th Century Fox. No profit being made, I'm just playing.  
RATING: R and in future parts **MAY** contain **M/M and F/F SLASH** references. I'm not sure yet, but best to be warned.  
PAIRING: X/Anya, S/D   
IMPROV: #17 -- ragged, decade, invent, cascade  
SPOILERS: This takes place a week after 'Where the Wild Things Are,' and breaks from canon from that.   
SUMMARY: It's funny what you hear when you're stuck in the trunk of a car.   
NOTES: These //…// indicate thoughts or inner dialogue.  
  
*****  
  
When the thumping bass that's trying to flop Xander's gums off stops suddenly, Xander waits anxiously in the darkness to see if they've stopped.  
  
Apparently, the continued movement of the car says no.  
  
Grumbling angrily, he quickly stops when he realises he can just barely hear Anya and Spike talking.  
  
Sliding as close to the far end of the trunk as he can, he presses his ear to the side, not feeling in the least bad by his blatant eavesdropping. As far as he's concerned, switching the music off and dumping him back here like a lump of garbage where Spike can't keep an eye on him is just asking for trouble.  
  
Plus he's really bored.  
  
And if Spike is hitting on Anya again, he'll throw the toolbox at the bleached idiot's head the next chance he gets. Maybe there's even a spike in there. It'd be fitting to use one of those against the vampire. Maybe Xander will even invent a few new ways to implement it.  
  
Ear to the side, trying not to breathe in dust and spiders, and he listens.  
  
"--so that's where we're going."  
  
"But why?"  
  
A clearly audible sigh that makes Xander want to cringe, and then he hears Spike say, "Ask me that again, love, and I'll rip your throat out right now and stuff the plan."   
  
A nervous laugh from Anya, "Okay, okay, no more talking from me."  
  
A disgusted snort. "You can talk, Anya, it's why I brought you up to the front. I just don't want you to talk about *that*.  
  
"Ohhh ... alright. Fine."  
  
There's silence for a few moments, in which Xander can just imagine Anya looking anywhere but at Spike and then he hears her say, "So how about this weather?"  
  
There's a sputtering from Xander as his eyes widen, and he can clearly hear Spike doing the same thing. A sudden swerve of the car that jolts him up against the side, winding him, further proves the point that Spike may be just a *liiitle* bit shocked.  
  
The car straightens again after much quiet moaning and ragged breathing from Xander as he clutches his side, and loud tire squealing from outside the car. When he's finally able to breathe again without a part of his body hurting, Xander presses his ear up against the side again, hoping to catch the remainder of the conversation between the two in the front.  
  
"... few days ago you were talking about eviscerating like we were best chums ... now you're talking about the bloomin' weather? I can't exactly tell you know, what with the unfortunate sun allergy I've had for a couple of decades now."  
  
A frustrated noise from Anya. "But you couldn't kill me then! What, do you want me to talk about all my old customers now that you can actually do something about it?! I'm not stupid you know, I don't really want to end up dead just because I give you an idea and you feel like you're out of practice."  
  
A growl from Spike that makes Xander's teeth ache. "You may end up dead anyway, so just. act. naturally."  
  
A strained huff from Anya now, and the squeak of the old leather upholstery as she squirms in her seat. "You could at least have let Xander sit in the back you know. It wouldn't have killed you to be a bit nicer."  
  
Xander was suddenly holding his breath, wondering if Spike would kill Anya right then, or just pull over and let him out to shut her up ... finally ... because he's getting a cramp in one of his butt muscles that he doesn't think is even possible despite the fact that it's twinging like crazy.   
  
//Nice Mr Cheek// he thinks as he rubs it awkwardly, fingers pressing deep into the muscle to alleviate pain. //Just relax ... and pleaseletmeoutpleaseletmeout.// It's still very black inside the interior of the trunk and his mind is starting to play tricks on him. He misjudged how far away his ear was from the side so he could listen to Spike's answer, and he knocked his head up against it.   
  
Again.  
  
Then again, it could have just been his own graceless skills.  
  
He can hear a loud snort from Spike as he chuckles, his mood apparently swinging very quickly and easily from 'shut-up-or-I'll-kill-you-no-I-might-kill-you-anyway,' to 'gosh-you're-so-funny-pet-I-might-bust-a-gut.'   
  
"Might not kill me, Anya? Have you ever spent two minutes alone with that moron without shagging?"  
  
"Actually, yes. Just the other day we were--"  
  
"Pet, I mean when you aren't *talking* about shagging either."  
  
"Well there was that time that--"  
  
"Or talking about toys to help you shag with ... no ... no ... bad ... bad mental place."  
  
Xander can hear a decisive slap against what he thinks must be the steering wheel.  
  
"Nope. Not letting him out, pet. If I do, I might just kill him to get that thought out of my mind, and he ain't carking it."  
  
Relieved exhalation of breath from Xander, cascading back over him as it rebounds off the sides and has nowhere else to go.  
  
"Not yet anyway."  
  
Fuck!  
  
So much for his quiet fantasies of 'maybe-he'll-just-forget-me-and-I'll-die-of-starvation-which-is-a-much-better-way-to-go-than-neck-biting.'  
  
Xander is left with his own thoughts for a few minutes, quiet seeping in around him because Spike and Anya aren't talking anymore, and he's zoned out the noises of the car to keep his hearing and sanity. He bites his fingernails in the dark, a bad habit left over from his childhood, and nurtured into continuing because he's always the one left behind when Buffy has to fight off the next ugly baddie, and he has no other outlet for worry than his own poor nails.   
  
Instead of doing what he normally does when he's in danger and think of creative ways in which Buffy will rush in and save him, bosom heaving //Bad Xander, you love Anya// he starts imagining ways in which Spike will creatively kill him. After all, they're in a car speeding quickly away from Sunnydale, and nobody knows where they are or that Spike has the chip out. It's a futile hope to think that Buffy and Giles will come racing to their rescue this time.   
  
//Not// he thinks angrily //that Anya needs much rescuing at this point. *I'm* the one that he can't wait to get his hands on, nummy thing that I am.//   
  
He groans quietly and mentally corrects himself. //Nummy doofus who should never have told that to the bleached wonder, because now said bleached wonder will still think I'm nummy.//  
  
Thankfully, his suicidal thoughts are interrupted by the sound of Anya's voice.  
  
"Spike?"  
  
Creak of leather as the vampire shifts. "Yeah, what?"  
  
"Are we nearly there yet?"  
  
And suddenly, Xander is very happy that he's still stuck in the trunk.  
  
  
End.  



End file.
